Uncle D Reviews: NMHS Bathrooms

As humiliating as it is to confess, I, like many others, use the bathroom on a near-daily basis. Since this is such an important ritual, I took a representative poll to see what others at this school think on the issue.

I will start at the bottom floor and work my way up from there.


A-Floor RR: Disgusting. I don’t know if it’s just really old or if it really is that nasty, but it’s gross. High likelihood of contracting some kind of UTI. Avoid at all costs.

“The absolute worst, only because there’s always a flood there. The mirror is always dirty. The quality of our restrooms reflects the kind of people who use them, so…” – Most Influential Person of 2017, Marlin Chevez.

Lower F-Wing RR: Disgusting. Weirdly large gap in the first stall. Middle stall is out of service half the time. Floor is never dry.

“I walk in there and ask myself ‘Is this a fight club?’ There’s always a line to get in.” – Sink Activist, Chanel Day.

Lower S-Wing RR: A godsend. Clean, bright, beautiful.

“Didn’t know it existed. Perhaps it only shows itself to the chosen ones.” – Best Ears Award Winner for 13 consecutive years, Omar Aceval.

B Floor RR: The most crowded. If you ever find yourself alone in the B floor bathroom, you might not be coming out.

“I don’t like other people being in the bathroom with me. It’s an invasion of privacy.” – Stove Collector, Donald Coursey.

Upper F-Wing RR: It’s ok. It’s up to McDonald’s bathroom standards. One of two sinks is dead, though.

“The sink button is always jammed, but I’ve come to appreciate it for it’s metaphoric implications on life. We all feel like the sink button every now and then.” – Basketball Player Stalker, Melanie Romero.

Upper S-Wing RR: Arguably the best one. Always clean. Never smells. Toilets are weirdly low, though.

“Holy grail of bathrooms of North Mesquite. Always has toilet paper and the proper flushing power to reduce your excretions to ashes in a number of seconds.” – Senior and Freelance Restroom Enthusiast, Nelson Soto.

C Floor RR: Gross, but usually empty. Good if you want to take a discrete dump or maybe cry a little. There are even reports of an occasional nap taking place here.

“My favorite bathroom is the one with the least amount of people. That changes often.” – Commissioned Harmonica Tuner, Josue Gonzales.

D Floor RR: Maybe it’s the altitude, but it feels like a different realm in there. It’s not gross in there, but it’s not by any means my first choice for a bathroom break.

“You go in there… you don’t come out the same way, you’re a changed person.” – Amateur Shapeshifter, Stephanie Villagran.

Clinic RR: Had to add this one because some kid answered this as his favorite bathroom during my series of interviews.

“It’s the best. I feel at home there in a way that other places can never live up to.” – Hair Consumption Specialist, Angel Silva.

Diana Padilla

das Leben ist kein Ponyhof.

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