FAQ With Uncle D

Q: What is this?

A: Good question. It would be a wee bit pathetic if I said I personally handed out note cards to the whole class and asked that they write out a question or concern so that I may answer it, but that’s exactly what I did.


Q: I am concernet that Ana won’t take back

A: I’m not sure what this person is asking so I will take it upon myself to explore every angle. First possibility: Anon sent Ana a gift and she returned it and refuses to take it back. In this case, find some way to attach a live grenade to the gift and give it to Ana. That’ll teach her some gratitude. Second possibility: Anon and Ana moved in together and Ana decided to buy a cat for their minimalist apartment, knowing and ignoring that anon has an allergy and general disliking of cats. Anon insists that she take it back, but she won’t do it. In situations like this, it’s best to just leave a window open to air out the negative emotions and if you’re lucky, the cat will “accidentally” leap through the window and never return. Third possibility: Ana won’t *text back. When someone doesn’t text you back, there are just so many explanations. They could have been taken as a hostage, stuck in some pesky Hong Kong traffic jam or the most likely explanation – they hate you. If your texts are being ignored, you should send little snippets of the Bee movie until they realize they have never had a better friend than you. Good luck!


Q: What are the first 100,000 numbers of pi?

A: Google is free.


Q: Asking for a friend?

A: Tell them that google is free. Wi-Fi not included though. Or the computer.


Q: What if you die?

A: My child, it is not an “if.” We all share the same fate: death.


Q: What if you don’t die when you want to die?

A: Call 1-800-273-8255. 


Q: What do I do if I find out my parents have been lying to me about what birthing plan they used for me?

A: I would recommend you start by visiting your local home depot and carefully selecting your favorite type of wood. Think about the color, texture and finish of the wood and how it will look when fashioned into a coffin – which you will need to start building immediately if you discover they are lying.


Q: If the editors r soo good @ righting art ickles den y dont Diana rite them? y do the editors only pick on me & Not any1 else?

A: I don’t know who this “Diana” is, but maybe you should think about personally delivery a pizza to her domicile. It sounds like she deserves it. As for the second portion of your question, write better art ickles and maybe this problem will cease to exist.


Q: Are tomatoes a fruit or veggie?

A: Would you put tomatoes in your fruit salad? If you answered yes, you need to immediately ingest a lethal amount of tomatoes and donate your body to science.


Q: Why does school food suck?
A: Capitalism. The school compromises taste in order to save money.


Q: What’s your IQ?

A: I just took a test via free-iqtest.com and got a score of 130.


Q: What is your mission, vision and purpose for achieving this new year 2017?

A: I’d love to tell you, but my contract with the CIA binds me to secrecy regarding my missions.

Diana Padilla

das Leben ist kein Ponyhof.

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