According to my data, people are having trouble deciding who to marry. I, the marriage counselor, have good advice for my folks in need. And just FYI, Sharon, marriage counseling is for the married, but due to rising numbers of people suffering from marriage confusion, I have decided to expand my services. I’m in it for the money, of course.
Alright, so my number 1 recommendation for these people are to marry none other than a cactus. Maybe a succulent since they’re baby cacti, but I have concerns over whether this would be encouraging underage marriage, which I strongly oppose. So I think I’ll limit it to adult cacti for now.
What are the benefits of marrying a cactus? PLENTY
1. You will never have to worry about the water that a human will undoubtedly abuse. You can just spit on your significant-cactus and they will view you as a GOD.
2. Sometimes you don’t feel like making dinner and just want to order some pizza, right? That day can be EVERYDAY because your cactus will never say no to pizza. Mostly because they don’t talk.
3. You don’t have to worry about your family telling Cacterine about your embarrassing childhood mishaps! Cacti don’t have ears.
4. Your prickly legs and/or beard will never bother a cactus! They will actually quite like it since they also have a few prickles of their own.
Like all good things, there are drawbacks.
1. You cannot cuddle with Cacterine. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.
2. Cacterine will never reciprocate the love you express.
You: Cacterine, I love you.
You: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS
3. Going to the movies may be a bit dull and upsetting because Cacterine will ALWAYS be jealous of those actresses and actors who have legs. Ever since she was a child, she longed for mobility. She always dreamed of traveling the Europe on her own leg contraptions.