POLLand is not a country and needs to stay that way

Should you be wondering, polls are a method of predicting the outcomes of presidential elections. Polls use to be more accurate when people actually answered their telephones. Most people don’t even own telephones anymore, so many poll organizations are seeing life flash before their eyes as they are blown into the dust along with the other forgotten items of our antiquated past.

The poll operators, as I have decided to call them, dial random numbers and if they’re lucky, one person out of their hundreds of attempts, will answer their telephone. One of the reasons that this method is so unreliable is because telemarketers have ruined it for everyone. Someone sees an unknown number and they’re like, “UGH, I DON’T WANT YOUR WORTHLESS WINDOW CLEANER” and don’t answer. Another reason is that since telephones are outdated, only people who are also outdated use them. OK, they’re not THAT old, but they tend to be in the 50+ range. As we all know, older folks are all bitter Republicans who spend their golden years breaking selfie sticks, misusing acronyms like LOL, TGIF, FLOTUS, ROTFL and absorbing the youthful energy around them like vampires. Anyway, older people’s political/social/menu views tend to differ drastically from that of the younger population, so the results from these phone-acquired data polls are distorted and just not a good way to predict who the next King/Queen/Gender-non conforming ruler will be.

To make up for the gap in polling data, the poll operators weight their results. AKA, they fatten them up like we uncivilized Americans do to our cattle. A simple example would be like 3 dogs saying they want dry food, but there’s 9 dogs in this dog village and the other 6 dogs are like out of town or something so they cant give their 2 biscuits. The dog food planner dog decides to just weight the data they do have and multiply it by 3 to get 9. According to their results, all the dogs will want dry food. Once the other 6 dogs arrive, they throw a fit because they wanted wet food and now there’s too much dry food in the village and the dogs are rioting and they’re urinating on dogerment-owned establishments and they WON’T STOP CHEWING ON THE COUNCILDOG, SEND HELP. All because they tried to play a game of probability. 

Do You Like Polls? Hm? Poll Lover, are ya?

Diana Padilla

das Leben ist kein Ponyhof.

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