How Lil’ Sushi Stole Valentines

Valentines Day is around the corner and you might be feeling the urge to migrate to another country to avoid the horrifying displays of affection everywhere you go- regardless of your relationship status. To help you make an action plan, we hired a specialist.

We asked Lil’ Sushi how she deals with every single store parading red balloons and pink hearts 24/7.

“I bring an oxygen tank, because I feel like I’m going to die and I have Jackie (sister) hold my hand because i’m so afraid of the savages rummaging through the isles.” she says.

While she may not be a fan of Valentines, she certainly still buys her friends gifts. BUT WHY?

“I feel like they expect me to.” She says, “It’s my way of blending into the crowd- pretending that i’m not a flesh-eating monster.”

I went around and questioned a few of the general population of this classroom how they felt and some didn’t mind it much while others felt rage and hatred at the reminder of their loneliness. With that in mind, I asked Lil’ Sushi for some advice for our lonely kraken.

“Please don’t go around to the stores and start shanking people.” She wisely advises.”Don’t add more red than is already there. Although you may be lonely, it’s important to keep your hands to yourself because if nobody liked you before, they certainly aren’t going to like you after you harass them.”

An anonymous fan asked if your Valentine has to be your significant other.

“No. It’s better to pick somebody off the street so you never have to see them again.” Lil’ Sushi recommends.

But things aren’t all bad right?

“Yes, they’re all bad.”

Ok, but what’s her favorite part? Surely there has to be something that isn’t vomit-inducing for her.

“Tumblr. They have these Valentines cards and it makes me forget all of my suffering for just a small fraction of time.” She says.


Diana Padilla

das Leben ist kein Ponyhof.

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