I have this friend, one of our writers here, and she claims to have a condition knows as photosensitivity. I think it is all LIES. I have seen the way she is and I have come to one conclusion: She is a vampire. That’s right. A vampire.

She sometimes tells me of memories from her days back in 745 B.C and I just look at her like “???” and she suddenly realizes what she’s said and takes it all back. She has told me on several occasions about how she was devastated by Pangea breaking apart. I remind her that the continental drift didn’t happen overnight so her family should have had time to gather, but she rudely tells me that I wasn’t there so I don’t know anything. She had to leave behind many friends, several who were part of her vampire cult. She often tears up as she remembers all the families she’s left behind. She weeps when she thinks of the times she could walk from Africa to South America.

She recalls the birth of Jesus right around this season. “He was so smol…” she says “I tried to help him when the Romans were persecuting him, but he said he wanted to die for his people. I never understood him much.”

Marlin has lived through the death of countless of lovers, including Otto the Great, Queen Mary of England, Beethoven and Abraham Lincoln.

She also has very bad vision which can also be explained by her vampirism.

Bats are blind… Bats = Vampires… I think you know where i’m going with this.

She can also be seen carrying a black umbrella with her if she ever comes outside. I once saw her come out of her house during a hot summer day and she almost died.  She let out this high-pitched pterodactyl screech that made my ears bleed before she crawled back inside.

If this isn’t enough information to prove she’s a vampire, then I don’t know what is. By now, you should all know what needs to be done.

We need to destigmatize vampirism! We must increase rights for vampires and have a support system to help vampires who have recently experienced the death of a loved one, because no matter how many times they go through it, it’s never easy. While they may not be human, they can still fall into depression. The way our society handles vampirism is absurd. Hundreds of vampires, or better said, all the vampires that are left after our mass killings of them are struggling to find a home. Of course we find it a bit disgusting that they drink blood, but I bet they feel like throwing up when they see us slaughtering cows to make burgers.

Many are scared that they will come and drink everyone’s blood, and that’s certainly a possibility. But who are we to talk when we have mass shootings every other day? If they are truly concerned about evil coming into our country, then they need to have a reality check because the evil has already seeped into the systems that were created to protect us. We cannot pin the actions of a few vampires on an entire race of them, similar to how we don’t blame Christians for the KKK.

They are different, but we shouldn’t treat them as less than us. Don’t allow your community to shun them any longer!

Note: That last part is actually about the refugee crisis. I’m throwing shade at the U.S. 

Diana Padilla

das Leben ist kein Ponyhof.

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