The only thing that can ruin the holidays is not enough hot chocolate and socks as a present.
You should try to avoid last-minute holiday shopping, but if you happen to find yourself trapped in a store on December 23rd then you better be prepared.
1) Scope out the competition. If you hear that your pesky neighbor Susan is taking her quarterback son and marine husband, you better be prepared to bring your third cousin who isn’t afraid to hurt someone and your step-mother who has a criminal record.
2) Make a list of the stores you’re going to. Once you decide that, you should make maps of the layout of the store then highlight the areas you will be raiding first. Make sure to include backup routes in case things don’t go smoothly. Hand these out to your group.
3) Have a schedule. Don’t spend more time in each aisle than you need to, but also have some time leftover to make sure you won’t be rushed if Timmy breaks his ankle.
PUTTING YOUR FORMATION TOGETHER:
1) The taller ones must carry the young and short on their shoulders, but if you can, leave children at home as they will only weigh you down. Don’t leave the short adults though, they can squeeze into the crowd and, if trained properly, be used to reach items of off shelves.
2) Spread out. Don’t stick together. This will only slow you down. Assign an aisle to each squadron and have them carry out orders efficiently before reuniting with the brigade. Don’t waste time, grab everything and RUN.
3) Assign a driver. One person must be left behind. They will be the driver for either emergency situations (like the aforementioned Timmy) or instant transportation from one store to another.
THE DAY OF THE DEED:
1) Wear tennis shoes. Don’t even try to look good, you need to be in clothes that will be comfortable enough to push customers aside.
2) Count your money ten times. Have a set amount of spending but bring at least $200 extra in case you snag an HDTV (for yourself, nobody deserves such a good gift besides yourself).
3) Have an extra tire in your trunk in case Susan slashes your tires. She’s cutthroat, and that’s why we hate her.
4) For any people with hair to the approximate length of Thor, put your hair up into a bun, you don’t want Susan to “accidentally” get her bracelet caught in your hair or her cigarette to “accidentally” set it on fire.
5) If you can’t find the unicorn finger puppets you wanted, ask the employees to check in the back and don’t take no for an answer. Go have a look for yourself if you have to. Those pestilent Target workers are trying to keep them to themselves.
ADDITIONAL (not required):
1) Avoid Dinkelberg at all costs.
2) Bring Walkie-talkies. You never know if Susan will tamper with the phone towers. REMEMBER: Susan has connections.
3) Have a full gas tank and some extra gas in your trunk. Don’t forget, Susan will empty your tank if that’s what it takes. Forget all those other holidays where she got the best deals and left you in the dust… this is your time. Just DO IT. ©
4) Remember your 3 L’S: Lunches, Launchers and Layers. You have to eat, destroy, and stay warm.
Overall, remember that you have to find a gift for everyone including the creepy and overly affectionate uncle.